Tackling difficult relationships
When we argue with people or lose our temper, it can stop us from bouncing back. This how to guide is about how to tackle tricky relationships and put more energy into relationships that are helpful.
Plan
Step 1:
Look more closely at which relationships need work
Is there someone you lose your temper with a lot? Is there one individual behind most of the run-ins that get you down? Take time to understand who you argue with and what patterns your arguments have.
Step 2:
Put yourself in someone else’s shoes
Think about why your arguments happen. What’s going on? What does the other person say and do? Why might they be saying these things? What are they hoping to achieve? Do they get it?
Make your move
Step 3:
Look more closely at which relationships need work
Is there someone you lose your temper with a lot? Is there one individual behind most of the run-ins that get you down? Take time to understand who you argue with and what patterns your arguments have.
Step 4:
Put yourself in someone else’s shoes
Think about why your arguments happen. What’s going on? What does the other person say and do? Why might they be saying these things? What are they hoping to achieve? Do they get it?
Step 5:
Try a different way of talking
Until now, your arguments have probably followed a similar pattern and you might find yourself saying the same sorts of things. So why not try doing something different in the future?
Agree some ground rules before you start, such as:
- Let the other person finish their point before speaking.
- We won’t make accusations, but describe honestly how harsh words make us feel.
- We’ll focus on working together to find solutions and make constructive changes to how we speak and act with each other.
Think
Step 6:
Can you notice your bad habits?
If we are used to things being tricky with a particular person, for example a teacher who is on our case a lot, it can be hard to break the habit of arguing with them. Even with your new rules, you may find that it’s easy to end up in an argument. If this happens, take some time to consider the habits you have when you talk to this person.
- Does someone interrupt a lot? If so, who? You? Them? Or both of you?
- How much time do you spend listening to that person? Do you really hear what they say?
- How much time do they spend listening to you?
- Do you feel like you are always right? Or that they are always wrong? Is this true?
Thinking about these questions might help you to notice some bad habits in this relationship. It could be a good topic for a conversation with that person next time.
Learn
Step 7:
Don’t give up
Talking about difficult relationships can be tough. It sometimes seems easier to just ignore the problems, but over time they drain our resilience. Be brave and deal with it!
If things go wrong the first time you try to sort it out, try again. Maybe one of your ground rules could be: if we mess up, we agree to meet again to get things back on track.
Writing a journal can be really helpful when you’re trying to work on relationships. Take time to notice when conversations go well and when things go wrong. Think about:
- What’s happening?
- What could be different next time?
- What are you learning with each conversation?